I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
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