she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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