epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
