I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
