Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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