new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
