Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
