Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
