Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
