Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
How's work?
Spinning.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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