dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
