Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
