My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
