Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
