Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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