The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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