In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
