i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
