Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
