I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
