The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
