i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
