Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
