I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
