Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm like, not good at living.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
