Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
