I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
