I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
