you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
