new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
he was CRYING into my vagina
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
