Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
