I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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