I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
my liver is dry heaving
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
