This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
