Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
We don't watch enough power rangers
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
