Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
