There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
