I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
