theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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