There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
