Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
