we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
