I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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