I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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