About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
