Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The best revenge is premature balding
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
