actually, I'm a sock model
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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