What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
why do cheetos always look like penises
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Randomize
