he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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