he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
We left the knife in your bed.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
