I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
