i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
