I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My liver just had a heart attack.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
