I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
